Chasing Grace.

by A Story of Light




Some answers we seek come to us when we’ve surrendered, when searching is no longer an option and we find ourselves on our knees without an ounce of physical strength or the will of spirit to move.  It is through these times seemingly, between our surrender and silence we come to understand what it is we truly need.

 What about those few questions we have, the recurring ones that seem to stunt us emotionally from time to time?  And is this ever truly the case or are we leaving the questions unanswered for our own psychic purposes?  There are times where the anguish felt followed by our unanswered questions is too much to bare, and yet even through our exhaustion, relinquishing the fight to uncover the answers we so desperately seek to our long awaited questions, is not an option.  It is in these moments that time seems to slow down, if not then stop all together and the quest for answers consumes us.  We may go about our tasks and days but we are constantly internalizing and doing what we can with what we have to find some peace.

Most may disagree, but for me there is poetry in realizing a number of years later, a once thought to be mended heart is in fact only slightly repaired.  Suddenly and sometimes unexpectedly something occurs so many years later that leaves us scurrying to collect the pieces we left behind in our emergence to fix what was fractured in order to move on.  We may not know it at the time but we do this sometimes as a quick fix-me-up, a half assed job at best in order for us to keep going, to accomplish all the things we need to in order to get to where are presently.  Yet what seemingly and most commonly happens with these situations is the unstable thin film we laid over those open wounds some time ago rips and the wounds are once again exposed.  Now what?  Because from the floodgates flow all of those ancient emotions that are all too familiar and once again, undesired.

 I find the difference is we may have thought all those years ago the feelings were unwanted but were they truly?  Because whether we caused the pain or not we sat in it, until we could no longer take it and did what we had to do to move on, or so we thought.  However, this time, the feelings and situation that surround what broke us in the first place, is truly not wanted.  How do I know this?  If it comes back, it isn’t finished.  We repeat our hurts in order to learn our lessons and if there is a recurring pain then there is some unfinished business that will need to be taken care of.  The good news?  We were different people back then, when it all started and these questions were formed.  And so the pain and emotional turmoil we held ourselves in back then no longer serves us, it no longer fits.  The beauty of this?  The choice to throw it away and finally learn our lessons presents itself clearly.  The time to truly mend those old wounds can happen almost instantaneously.  It is in these moments where the answers we have so longingly and desperately seek lie.  This is where both the end and beginning exist, when the cycle is complete and has come full circle.  It may take a day, a week or a month but it won’t take much longer then that because everything has changed. Including us.  The people we are today are emotionally, mentally and physically unable to hold those old patterns, those old energies.

I’ve learned from my own experiences that life’s most meaningful lessons come out of the moments where we are most confused, when we are in most need and it feels like we’ll never have the answers we desire.  It is through our breaking point, that we have a choice to make and it is to acknowledge the answers we so desire have always and forever slept comfortably in the lessons we refused to learn.  Regardless of how painful the truth is, through our epiphany, our moment of truth, we begin to feel as though we have been saved by an act of grace.  When really, the answers always appear after we have done the work from the inside out, and no sooner.  The answers we never thought we would have come to us when we are ready to accept them.  Sometimes these are answers that bring the most pain and discomfort but know that whether it feels like it in the moment, the hurt is temporary.  When we can finally come to terms with our own truth, when we close the door and mend the wounds to the biggest fractures in our lives, it can only mean one thing; some incredible and beautiful happenings are about to follow.

Love and light,
~ Jennifer

Photo credit: © 2012 Jennifer Santaniello