Forever Letters To You

Letters

I originally started a separate blog for my poetry and art, but it no longer feels right that I have it separate from my inspirational blog.  I have come to realize that everything is indeed connected.  It only seems fitting that I incorporate my two blogs here with this new page.

Forever Letters To You  was formed initially through a state of emotional mourning. I was inspired to write through past loves, pains and all that remained in between.  My whole life, whatever or whoever I opened my heart to proved always to be just slightly out of my reach, and so Forever Letters To You was born.  Yet, through my life lessons, inspirational blog, and my art I have learned the truth, my truth.  All of this time I haven’t been writing to those lost, but more to the part of myself that was missing, or rather, in hiding.

I hope you enjoy and thank you for visiting 🙂

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What is in a name?

Have you ever noticed how in loving someone deeply, their name becomes a work of art? It takes on a life of its own, commanding in nature. The mere site of it spelled out before your eyes become a euphoric experience. It doesn’t matter how much time has passed, it never loses its deafening effects.

His name alone can arrest me, steal my breath and stop my beating heart. I can only equate this feeling to that of standing in front of a painting, hypnotized as it holds me for hours. Astounded by its beauty, talent and mystery. It’s paradox of blessing and tragedy reminds me how it feels to truly be alive. At times it is almost too overwhelming, yet I’d wish death before its end.

Can you imagine that? Feeling something that resplendent that you would call upon your own death rather then have it end? To many that may seem extravagant, but my wish for you all is that one-day you too will feel this alive. That you will know what it’s like to feel this much life in one instant, from just one name. So much so that you would wish your entire life away at the mere thought of its end.

What is in his name? Apparently everything, including my life.

© 2014, Jennifer Santaniello

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Nothing Is Ever What It Seems.

I started this blog because I felt there had been so much left unsaid.
No matter where I was, who I was with or how much time had passed,
something in life always pushed me to write about him, for him, to him.

Even when I had sworn it off,
loves will still always pulled me back to him one way or another.
I don’t have all the answers but I feel I have enough now to do what is it I am meant to do.

I understand the concept of a blog and that the sharing is meant to be continuous,
and I thought what better place to share what seems natural in its continuum?
For the longest time it felt as though I’d never stop writing to him and so this seemed fitting.

Yet, the closer I came to posting my latest letter,
everything began to feel a little bit lighter,
and I realized that it has all come full circle.

I’ve finally laid these letters to rest, within a time and place I least expected.
This has felt like the hardest lesson I have had to learn,
but something they don’t teach you in school?

Hell is that which we choose to create for ourselves.
We come out on the other side bruised, bloody and beaten,
but we are alive.

Possibly more alive then we ever were before,
even if it doesn’t feel like it in that exhausted moment.
I forcibly walked through my worst nightmare, and realized it was everything that I have needed.

There is nothing and no one that could stop me from being with my future love.
No one could have ever prevented that meeting, except him.

But, have I have disarmed him in learning my truth?

They say that nothing is ever what it seems.
Although I don’t believe that to be true for everything,
I’m tired of trying to convince everyone it was real.

More so, I am tired of trying to convince myself that I am crazy.

Still, I know it wasn’t always wrong.
It may have felt like the loss of a lifetime in realizing none of what we had was meant to last,
but really it’s the second largest gift he ever gave me.

The first? Whether he knows it or not, whether he even cares or not,
he showed me the depths of which I could love,
and for that I will always be thankful.

My biggest fear was to forever love the one I couldn’t have.
But what I quickly realized is that each nightmare shines a light on what needs our attention the most.
Where there is fear, there is a lesson and something we need to resolve.

It felt like an end, and it was.
But with each end comes a new beginning,
and so it is.

© 2012 Jennifer Santaniello

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He Has Your Face

I’m convinced his face,
was made with you in mind.
He reminds me of you more so with each passing year.

He is neither of ours,
but if he had been,
I’m convinced he would have looked just the same.

His little face lights up every time he sees me.
There could be thirty people in the room yet he runs to me,
and wraps those tiny arms tight around my neck as he tells me he loves me.

He knows he is safe with me forever, something you couldn’t see.
He knows when it comes to him the word no does not exist,
and I’m not quite convinced I was ever able to give you that completely.

© 2012 Jennifer Santaniello

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Fractured Fate.

One day, you’ll want to know the truth,
but by then it will be too late.
And I won’t be able to tell you how in giving up our world, we fractured fate.

How with our last words our guardians fell to their knees,
And the skies crumbled dragging every star to a watery grave,
deep beneath the seas.

Blackened has since been the sun, which weeps,
Followed by a moon that is tainted with torment,
and interrupted sleep.

A universe that was once ours is no longer, and we made sure of that in refusing one another.
You will want to know the truth one day, but by then it will be too late.
Because I will not be here, I will have found another fate.

© 2012 Jennifer Santaniello

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I’m Reminded

Sometimes I feel you so strongly,
that I forget how to love myself.
I’m reminded by the taste of your fear,
that I’m left no choice other then to keep moving forward,
without you here.

© 2012 Jennifer Santaniello

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Happy Birthday

They all pass me by,
none of them are you,
and that’s ok, I guess.

But as I sit here on this city slate,
the wind blows poetically through my hair,
and along my face.

I’m forced to take a deep breath,
and close my eyes to face the sun,
with a knowing that only comes in time.

My mind calms as my fingers scramble frantically,
to write these words before this song ends.
You told me “take your time” but instead, I fell behind.

Happy birthday.

© 2012 Jennifer Santaniello

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There Is No Rightful End.

It feels like a lifetime now,
since we found each other and left each other.
In your departing so did every word I could ever write, or have make sense.

So went any love I could ever love,
and in your leaving so did my will and my reason.
I pride myself these days on being so resilient.

How I can recover so quickly from a broken heart or an emotional beating.
But, the truth is nothing can ever break me like this,
not ever again.

How sad is it that the only love to ever run so deep,
is the love that we refuse to keep.
And it is our fault entirely, such stubborn fools we have been.

The day we decided to hurt each other,
was the day we began to deserve everything we have received.
There are events in life we must learn from, that we are thankful for.

But what is our lesson here?
What are we thankful for in what we have created?
I will tell you what this is, this is that kind of lesson that just is.

Because we will forever love each other, we will forever miss each other,
and we will forever wonder what if?
I am still so angry at how easily we caved in.

Our minds say no yet our hearts say yes.
I can still feel you thinking about me, and I can still feel you trying to forget me.
So, I cry for you, just not in the way that you think.

I cry because one day when we are old and grey, we will get it.
By then it will be too late,
because we will have missed it all.

All the days and nights of love and kisses,
of children and laughing,
of loss and crying, of love, of our love.

Whoever said it’s never too late couldn’t possibly understand our souls struggle.
There is no rightful end to this writing,
because there is no rightful end to each other.

© 2012 Jennifer Santaniello

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Our Minds Eye

I can still feel your thoughts.
Half of me is you.
It’s a harsh place to be, where a memory holds our key.

What kind of place is this were we could be forced to live within our minds eye?
You could go to where the sun hits the sea, or where the skies touch space,
but it won’t ever matter.

Because however fast or far you run,
what we think about is all what matters.

© 2012 Jennifer Santaniello

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My Retracted Apology

The best way I can explain it?
When you left you took the best parts of me with you,
and left the best parts of yourself behind as well.

It’s hard to recognize even a fraction of truth in who you have become.
You’ve traded it in for that shell.
I was so hard on myself.

For years I beat myself up like no one else ever could.
All of these scars I’ve had to mend and for what?
The endless struggle to come within an inch of what I felt with you?

All of these years later, you know what I have discovered?
I’ve discovered that no one wore a bigger mask then you.
Yes, I lied. But so did you. The difference? I’ve admitted to it, and you refuse to.

Because if you’re not the victim then who are you?
You refuse to admit how much you’ve lied to yourself,
and all those you’ve loved.

If you took responsibility for your own misery,
it would force you to find out who the hell you really are,
and that scares the shit out you.

I’m done.
I’m so done writing to you,
to my ghost.

I’m done writing these words that never quite reach your eyes.
This isn’t another one of my apologies.
This is My Goodbye.

© 2012 Jennifer Santaniello

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I Can Still Hear You.

There is this place in me where you live still,
and in my quietest moments I can still hear you speaking to me.
I can remember what it was like to be loved by you,
and it’s a place where a part of you will forever be a part of me.

© 2012 Jennifer Santaniello

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My Apology, Part 1.

I remember the way it felt to have to sit day in and day out on those hard wooden chairs, hour after hour for 8 hours. What was the purpose of time if it stood still? But, Somehow Mrs. F’s class was the only hour of my high school day where I hadn’t noticed my ass falling numb, my first exception being my art classes, of course. She was an inspiring teacher and her knowledge and skill stretched well over 9th grade English composition. She was an example of life, someone who lived it, and with all her knowledge, someone looking in might say she lived it over and over again.

A couple of Mrs. F’s lessons have stuck with me over the years but something in particular comes to mind recently do to the great change in my life in the past months. It was 8th period, a normal school hour in Mrs. F’s class with Vincent the class clown being his loud and obnoxious self. Vincent and Mrs. F were having a witty banter back and forth as usual. You see, although Vincent was completely distributive, they appreciated each other and the class became that much more interesting, not to mention comical with their verbal exchanges. But this particular evening something Vincent had done was inexcusable and I just remember Mrs. F’s face. She became so upset and Vincent just kept apologizing. Her face became flushed and she turned to us and said,

“Kids, you should never have to say I am sorry.  There are things we shouldn’t do, simply because we care.”

Is this theory greatly philosophical? Maybe not. Is it idealistic for most? Maybe Yes. But I could see in her face what she meant. Vincent wasn’t sorry.  I sat there motionless, the weight of what Mrs. F said weighing down on me like a ton of bricks and I thought to myself, If I truly care for someone I mean love someone, I would never do anything that would cause me to have to say I am sorry. It made so much sense still does. So from that moment on, as someone with a strong will I had chosen to adopt her theory and become a living example. I, if I may say so myself did a pretty good job. Up until about 8 months ago, But Why?  Because my whole life I have treated others how I have wanted to be treated, better even.  So why now after all this time? How Could I have let this happen, and to him of all people?

I have been such a fool. And some how I feel even more so then I could possibly imagine at this moment. What terrifies me most is that I am here, writing. I used to write all the time, every chance I could. Now it seems to me these random writings occur in events and situations where I have emotionally and psychically exhausted myself. Where there has been some kind closing, an ending of sorts or a loss, a great loss.  Is this the end?

I cannot claim that all this angst and pain I am feeling isn’t my own fault, it is. And if I could teach anyone anything, if anyone was to ever learn from my mistake, I would hope it would be the understanding that everything we do not only directly affects us but it will and does directly affect those around and closest to us. You may be thinking to yourself that is an obvious truth, but truly think of that in depth. You’re every action and word shapes who you are and who you choose to be. You control how others see you and most importantly how you see yourself.

This became inevitably obvious the day I realized what I had done. What was I thinking? How could I ever believe everything was going to be ok? Better then ok. What hurts the most is that, what I did, the path I took, that isn’t me. That is what was so confusing, is confusing. My whole life all I ever knew how to be is myself. It is all I have ever known. And when I think of how it happened I still shake uncontrollably.  I panicked, I was so scared to lose everything I knew existed but had only dreamt about. That feeling I thought only existed somewhere else, never here, not here. I believe in life and love and trust, so what the hell happened in my head at that moment?  How could I have let this happen?  How could I have been that thoughtless person?  I am not one to regret anyone or anything, I am not one to ask to take back, not for me not for anyone, but if I could rip this from him I would.  If I could make it so that my existence never caused his heart discomfort or pain, I would do it in a heartbeat, even if it meant never having him know I exist.  But understand this, it would be only and ever for him.  Because I deserve each and every tear, each and every missing breath and heartache, every shake and tremble, sleepless night and nausea spell.

I am to blame, but I believed in him, in us. If you walk in love today, there may be things that you have the right to do, love never demands it’s own way. I thought if we loved each other enough we could get through it.  I still believe that if that were the case, we would have.  However, this I know for sure, for any of you who don’t believe in love or who have lost faith I am here to tell you it exists, oh it exists.  Please, be yourself because if it’s right, in the end, you will want to be loved for who you are and nothing short of that.

Learn from my mistake because, because I fear my apology has only just begun.

© 2012 Jennifer Santaniello

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I can hear you thinking.

I open the front door slowly and with a deep breath.
I close my eyes and take you with me.
The minutes pass slowly although I can feel your heart, I miss our world.

The entire time I drive home I will hear you thinking.
I get home and I am welcomed with a million hugs and kisses,
none of which are yours but I can still feel you thinking.

And before I know it, The night sky is black but bright with the idea of you,
and we will have slipped back into each other.
I love this, I can hear you thinking.

© 2012 Jennifer Santaniello

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Our Ghosts.

Our first words were rocky but we both know now for a good reason.
And I couldn’t let you walk away without knowing the real you.
I felt you trembling behind your courageous cocky words.

I felt the boy, you were scared and wounded and I wanted to heal you,
without having known you for more then a day or had so much as two sentences spoken.
We both let down our guards, enough so that I could recognize who you were.

I was you and you were me and we reconnected immediately in a way
that lifted us above life and all that we had known to be real.
You became the purest form of affection that I have known or would ever feel, even to this day.

In the morning I wake with the idea of you,
and I go to bed at night with my hope in you.
Our ghosts keep me company from time to time.

They wander around in constant moan,
they speak for my soul,
and they are the only ones who can understand this loves sacrifice.

I wake up in the morning, and hear you speaking to me;
on occasion I can hear you through my day.
Then again, I always have, I realized it’s always been this way.

I can remember talking to you from a young age,
not knowing how or why,
but now with you everything makes sense.

The visits from an early age, the whispers, the smells, the love,
that overwhelming feeling of love seemingly from nowhere.
The blessing of never knowing the feeling of loneliness.

I have never truly felt alone a day in my life.
I never understood why until I met you.
I have always been a very strong person,

but not nearly as strong as when I am with you.

© 2012 Jennifer Santaniello

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Who Am I

You asked me to tell you a story,
So I’ll share with you something that is fresh on my mind.
Yesterday my cousin got married.

Although there were over a hundred people at this ceremony,
I don’t believe anyone saw it quite the way I did.
The day started out beautiful, wind and sun perfect.

Everyone gathered and the ceremony started.
I watched these two people,
the excitement and fear were so evident.

One would look to the other and giggle as the other would turn their head in a manner
to which would seem almost shy,
as if on a first date, not knowing whether it was appropriate to stare or touch.

As the ceremony escalated the warm light
through the stain glass quickly moved from shades of red and yellow to
blue and grey and a loud roaring thunder came crashing down.

I could hear people all around me
whispering in disappointment,
“What are they going to do?  The day is ruined.”

But something felt different to me about this quick rolling storm,
and I looked back at the alter and had realized
that my cousin and his soon to be wife had no idea what was going on.

They hadn’t seen the light change
or heard the rain and
they didn’t hear the whispers.

They were just staring into each other eyes.
And as they said the ‘I do’,
the thunder became most loud and beautiful, and they kissed.

Before I knew it we were walking
towards the church doors
and as we stepped out the storm was rolling away.

It looked as if the sun had never been interrupted.
I wanted to share this with you,
because I know for a fact no one saw it as I did.

I felt as though it was the perfect ceremony.
Yet, all I heard around me was how unfortunate
it was that it had rained and thundered.

I couldn’t have disagreed more.

© 2012 Jennifer Santaniello

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You And I

From a place where only love exists,
Void of time and space,
came the sudden and rapid creation of light.

Simultaneously energy was formed, only to be split in two and forced apart.
Thrown to separate sides of the Universe,
These two energies were filled with soul and given life.

Placed in each lifetime,
they knew they had to find one another.
Both knowing the search started long before they could ever understand.

Throughout time they have succeeded in their searches.
Finding each other as energy returning to the universe,
making it whole again.

You will know when these two find each other,
because it is as though you can feel the universe
breathe in deep sighs of relief.

Time or a life without each other,
would result in torment, for these two souls.
Neither will ever truly live without the other.

This is the story of their creation.
This is the story,
of you and I.

© 2012 Jennifer Santaniello