“Perfect love casts out fear. Where there is love there are no demands, no expectations, no dependency. I do not demand that you make me happy; my happiness does not lie in you. If you were to leave me, I will not feel sorry for myself; I enjoy your company immensely, but I do not cling. I have no fear of losing u, for you aren’t an object of my property, or anyone else’s. I love you as you are, without attachment, without fears, without conditions, without egoism, trying not to absorb you. I love you freely because I love your freedom, as well as mine.”
– Anthony de Mello
Once upon a time there was a little girl who believed in perfect love. You know the love of which I speak, the kind you see in the movies where two people must go through endless struggles along the path to finding themselves and in the process they find one another, and live happily ever after! This little girl grew up and found that life couldn’t be summed up into one tiny romantic drama, or could it? Through all of life’s circumstances, the ups, the downs, watching all of those around her experience the same in a million different ways, the little girl came to a realization about her old beliefs in love. She realized, she was right. Do you want to know a secret? Love really is all its cracked up to be. That’s why so many are cynical about it. We fear what we think we cannot have or believe we do not deserve and as a result people treat each other through acts of fear instead of love, leading to unhappy and unhealthy relations. People become frightened, mislead, sad, angry, resentful and yes cynical. The father of psychoanalysis would call these emotions and the actions that follow “Defense mechanisms”. We develop Defense Mechanisms to help us cope. They are psychological strategies of the unconscious mind to manipulate, deny, or distort reality. Examples of Defense Mechanisms are Denial, Projection, Repression, Identification, or Rationalization and so on. As healthy individuals we use different defenses throughout life. However, An ego defense mechanism becomes problematic only when its persistent and leads to maladaptive behavior such that with physical and/or mental health. Defense mechanisms are commonplace for individuals avoiding any real and healthy relationships and the reasons vary and are as unique as the individual themselves. Yet, the truth, if we so choose to believe is that nothing is truly out of our reach. We all deserve love, even perfect love. When I use the word perfect I am not suggesting that two perfect people come together to make a perfect love. Rather, what I believe is that two imperfect people come together to create a love that is perfect for them, a love that is their own unique expression, allowing one another to be who they are fully in love.
Love is perfect, it is we who are intrinsically flawed and so our way of loving, how we love, whom we choose to love and the love we accept is based on our own experiences in life starting with the moment we are born. Our neurological connections were formed in relation to love quite early on through our families or lack there of, our surroundings and environment and karmic relations right up until this moment. As infants our Neurons are like blank pieces of paper, pure with infinite potential.
“It is the experiences of childhood, determined by which neurons are used, that wire the brain as surely as a programmer at a keyboard reconfigures the circuits in a computer. Which keys are typed — which experiences a child has — determines whether the child grows up to be intelligent or dull, fearful or self-assured, articulate or tongue-tied.”
Love is no exception; our brain has formed connections in relation to the love we have received in the past, regardless of the quality and quantity. The brain is continuously evolving and creating new connections between neurons. These connections make everyday life possible. We continuously build understandings based on our prior experiences and information and much of it is believed to be developmentally dependent on external stimulations. As humans we possess a collective ability to act and react in an ever-changing world. What we must realize is that neurological connections can and are recreated every day by visualizing and through repetitive thought followed by action.
“Neurons create new connections and reorganize the structure of the brain through the process of learning. Humans learn every day, so our brains are constantly being reorganized. However, we also have the unique opportunity to shape our own neural network rewiring by directing our learning process. Learning can be as simple as thinking about something and consciously trying to change our mindset.”
At this point you may be asking yourself, “And why do I need to know this stuff????” Because we are as biological as we are spiritual, a soul with a body. So, what is so wonderful at the prospect of rewiring our brains? The possibilities are endless. The brain cannot tell the difference between what images we imagine are real or fake, it is only reinforced by the emotions and belief systems we attach to our visualization, that is the power of intention! This is why it is no coincidence that those who visualize their intentions, those who reinforce their intentions with actions, those that have faith and believe in themselves and their dreams are able to create physical manifestation of the lives they have envisioned. It is the same with love. We have always been given full responsibility for how we choose to express our love; it just may have not always felt that way especially in moments where we felt we were being harmed for no obvious reason. Of course this happens, but there is always a reason, always a lesson. We can get back up and treat others the same, in turn negatively affecting our intake and outsource of love, or, we can turn the hurt around and give all of the love we have inside of us to keep going in order to attract a healthy love.
How we love defines us. The way we love, how we love ourselves and love those around us directly affects every aspect of our lives. In combination with our experiences, our spiritual evolution and our awareness of the meaning of love, we create our reality and in turn attract whatever love and energy we put out. Some would describe their past and present experiences with love as great and some would describe their experiences with love as horrible yet, this doesn’t make any one of us incapable of perfect love. In fact, it’s just the opposite. What is crucial in the process of being able to accept healthy love is allowing the constant judgment of ourselves to melt away, helping to consciously and actively create new neurological connections in the process. We tend to judge ourselves quite harshly and most of it is unconscious. At the prospect of receiving love from someone we are interested in, all of the sudden our bodies, what we are wearing, how we speak what we do isn’t good enough, and this may not be apparent at first but I see it everywhere! People do not even realize they are doing it, or they do realize it but it is accepted behavior because these judgments stem from insecurities they have about themselves. We need to stop assuming the role and viewing ourselves through the eyes of others in order to find out whether we are capable or deserving of love. Of course we are, every last one of us, and it can be hard to see at the time but if someone is judging us it is best we let him or her go. We are all where we need to be and if we are in relationships or in the company of people who can not appreciate who we are in the moment, if they can not love us fully then they do not deserve to be apart of our lives. We all have parts of our lives we are working on, and that is great! This is what is so miraculous about our species, that even with our own individual fractures, we are all capable of finding it within ourselves to love another more then we could ever truly imagine or describe. More possibly, then the human brain will ever be able to process, a love, perhaps that can only be felt by the heart, with spirit and through the soul.
So many souls I have met along my path have a fear so strong of being left behind, that they have never really started anything substantial in their lives with regards to relationships. There are layers upon layers to why this is such as psychological, sociological, spiritual and karmatic and each unique to the individual however the answer for all is the same. We have everything we need inside of us. If we have a fear of being left or cheated on or anything else then address that head on but know that whatever we do, the most important part of the process will be facing ourselves and finally understanding that there is not anything anyone can ever truly take away from us. Nothing is ever lost, and that includes every part of us. Throwing away every last judgment, loving ourselves, loving every piece is the answer; it is the first step leading to everywhere. We are ever-evolving beings and so if we can just grasp the fundamental idea that we already belong to each other, that there is no need to possess and instead to embrace, we ourselves can and will in fact experience perfect love.
At this point some of you may be thinking in your head of your significant other or prospective partner and how there are things about them that do not resonate with you. This is where I ask you to go within, to ask yourself if the love you feel and have is your own, or is it karmic in nature? By karmic I mean a relationship that may not have come to you for love everlasting but for reasons of both souls spiritual advancement.
These karmic relations are just our souls way of having us experience life and learn the lessons we find ourselves having to repeat. Every karmic relation is unique in its nature but I will say that I have learned to tell the difference by measuring the amount of energy being shared. Mostly you can tell a karmic relationship when there is one particular individual who has more of a “takers” energy where as the other person in the relationship holds the “givers” energy. I have learned to spot these a mile away and see the karmic tie through and sever it quickly. When we tie up these karmic relationships we close a chapter, we’ve learned a new lesson and ultimately are closer to holding that perfect love within ourselves, acting as a beacon of light for our perfect love.
If all I have written sounds a little too fairy tale for you that’s ok. However, I ask of you one favor. When it happens for you, come back to this blog and tell us your story, because whether you believe in it or not everything is possible. Until then I will be here, believing in it for you. 🙂
♥ All of my love and light ♥
Some related links for you, enjoy!
NEURAL CONNECTIONS: Some You Use, Some You Lose by JOHN T. BRUER:
Neural Network Rewiring: You can achieve it if you believe it: